In the past, I dreamt of making my husband great. I carried his burdens. I worked on his business. Someone else came to me not long ago to ask me to make them great and I thought to myself. I can, and I will. I wanted that for my husband, now for this person. Why don’t I know how to do that for myself, and do I want that?
I am great, why not to do this for myself? I am All that I create. I draw to me the greatness that I never saw in me. I was hiding and scared. And if I didn’t see the value of my own experience, the value of my helping by saying “I am okay”, if people don’t do much for me, well, that is not okay. I am great, and I have, and I will.
I understand now, what I think of me, how I treat me and how I care for me, manifests more of the same to me. When I look at people I helped who was truly drawn to me, I see there was a strong pull to relate. I see now, they loved themselves, they took care of themselves. They had needs.
For some reason, all of those connections came and went. They took what they needed and there I was, alone and not well.
Why is that, that I did it that way? Because I thought, I was okay regardless. I allowed and allowed a lack of care, a disposal of me after needs were fulfilled. I saw that come to pass and it always made me sad. I never understood why I had this life pattern.
In my relationships, I also felt that there was a lot of taking, a lot of wanting, and never contentment with all that I gave over time. I reached the point where I saw the futility of my effort. The more I did for them, the more they wondered whether they wanted me in their life. I felt less and less appreciation, and more and more as it was expected of me and normal for them to be treated kindly through me. My quality of life would drop, and their dissatisfaction as well mistreatment of me would set in. I never could understand why my kindness and unconditional love would lead to such consequences. It would be my leaving them that would bring them to see how my involvement with them enhanced their life. And it did. Trying to explain to them my inability to cope with how they were relating to me, hardly led to any changes. They were who they were, and I had to retreat at times to save myself from depletion. And so I did. Is there anything wrong with them or me? Not at all. It is about an understanding of who you are that leads you to liberation and out of the blame game. There is Love after all among all rays of the rainbow that we are, it is about finding the middle path that allows you to coexist and be well in any circumstances and I am on the journey to discover that.
Regardless of the past, I knew that I was unconditional. I am Love embodied. I am peace. I am harmony. Not all people deserve to have me. I now know how important it is who you share yourself with. I realized I choose to be happy. I am. I will.