The Internals

What is your Internal self? It is the being who is in the state. It is not processing, not interacting, not analyzing, not even expressing itself at times. The internal self internalizes things, feels, loves, cares. It is the love that you are. I have noticed about myself that often I don’t feel right away as things happen, as even the worst events take place in my life. In fact, I always feel okay. Only a few days, a month after I would realize that I was in pain. And this showed me that I was not bringing the emotions out. The emotion that I would feel would go deep and I would simply know that I had. This never got outside and only when the events would pass that caused the ripple, I would feel the actual feeling. This made me look at me as I have been internalizing my emotions. And I never could feel for long enough also. I would feel for a short time and then realize that it is just a feeling and I would let it be. The internal self doesn’t know what to do about it. It is very unusual to become less internal for someone who is. And when people internalize, they actually don’t know what they are doing. It is not obvious. And when it is apparent what’s happening and you are aware that you are internalizing, you won’t have a feeling. It is very indicative to wonder about who is feeling. You will question whether it is you or someone in you? It seems like you are feeling but in reality you won’t.

These is a disconnect with external reality that happens internally. The person is not connected to a degree that they should. They feel it is okay whatever is happening and they usually say, I am okay, it’s all right and I am all right. This knowing comes from the disconnect and you feel you can handle life with ease and you are emotionally healthy and not subjected to the ups and downs of the emotional and mental turmoil. And when you realize that the bad has passed, you feel okay too, and even feel relief. The actual feeling does bubble up, but the timing of that is not known. When the feeling comes to the surface, it is usually a surprise as you wonder how is it that you feel all of that now, and you again realize, you were processing something in some subtle way. The subtlety of the processing is another pointer towards the fact that you are internal. The processing actually is not happening. It is simply there.

The internal self has a depth of understanding. It is not apparent right away, what they are feeling, what they need to be thinking. Eventually, the person comes to a full understanding of what truly is going on, and what conclusions they need draw and they don’t do the acting. The acting is happening through the externals.

Who are internals? They are… The internals cannot.

They are usually in their life in the need of external presence. Whether it be a parent, or a partner, or a friend. And often they also do not connect because they don’t want to overpower. I noticed in my life, that being totally alone was never serving me. I was used to have someone like my mom by my side. That would always boost me to highest degree of self-fulfillment. I also know that I am deeply independent and can do a lot on my own. At the same time, I realized later in life, that I don’t want to be alone, and I need to have someone relating to me. Internal selves need relatedness. Without it, they cannot see themselves, they also, cannot fulfill themselves. The reason for internal being is the state. If that is seen, they are.

The feeling that I am not complete was not there. The feeling was, I would like to have a company, a friend, a parent in my life. Many people believe that to be whole you need to be able to be alone. And I have been alone for many years, only to realize, why do I need that when I thrive together. And I mean, together…Looking at my life, I saw me do well every time I had a best friend, a partner, or my mother. The one on one relationship is a cornerstone for spiritual wellness of an internal. Internal processes are such that you are, and being without, means you are only existing… And such a state where you are just existing, is not a preferred state for internals, it actually shuts them down, and makes them feel unhappy over time. The happiness of internals comes from connecting, relating, and expressing what they are. They also flow. These people have a need to care, to be there, to love, to assist and ay sort of humanitarian action. And not only. They also project happiness to those who are near.  My grandmother felt that I would become my mother’s happiness when I was born, and it got confirmed, for I have been the best friend to her, as well as her caretaker, her emotional support and I never abandoned her.

I will expand on the dynamics of internals with other people on the example of my mother. My mother and anyone in fact outside of me, are the externals, even if they are internal in nature. And being internal as a child, I always was internalizing my mom’s problems. Her disagreements with me, that were only few over the entire childhood, left deep wounds, I could never take separation easily, and it was almost like being shut down within. Such an example is not only real, but truly a simple signal that you have an internal state. The dynamics with my mother was such, that she was the pusher and career planner for me. Knowing what I liked, she was the fuel, the energy behind me happening as a being. She supported my every interest, my education efforts, and also set my goals and my life. She always felt that I can.

The problem showed up when I got married. My first husband turned out to be controlling and pushy, and hardly providing the right environment through words. The lack of emotional support led me to become anorexic, and not able to set my life straight. I was a housewife, and not capable as a person. When I separated from him for a short time, I spent a few months in the family of friends, who gave me what I was lacking. I felt alive again and felt I could reestablish myself in this life. After my return to my husband, I successfully passed exams and entered a Master’s degree, and became the best student. It was all thanks to my supportive friends. Support was there, even though it was not through my husband. My friends who took me in for a few months, provided me with the sense of family and supportive home.

I noticed also, that my feelings that I never could feel in my waking states, would get revealed often through my dream. I would see some familiar symbology through dreams which I learnt to recognize over years, to know exactly what was going on with me.  As internal self you truly don’t know what is going on with you. You always are in some state. The feelings do not get easily out and processing usually is not there. What is truly needed here, is the knowledge. And this need is very special.

Usually an internal needs another person to figure out what they are feeling, and which state they are in. Through a reflection of another, an internal is learning about themselves.

I am the internal. What I am is not a concept, it is a busy environment. And when you connect to something, it is like the whole state comes to life. And without an external, you cannot figure out what you are. Including writing this article. I actually got helped with it, because looking at myself through me is an impossible task. I am the person who felt unusual things for the past 10 years. I never felt whole without an external. Be it God, be it a human… And complete me is not as me alone, that is a true internal self.

Internals can be with many people without problems. They are mediators, peacemaker, best friends, they are harmonious, nurturing, loving, connecting, and friendly. Often cannot be without anyone. Like a flower in a pot, we always need to be watered, nurtured by someone close to us. That someone needs to be in complete alignment and harmonious. If we don’t get a harmonious connection, we deplete, perish, die, don’t survive, and cannot do well. We are not dependent, and we are complete as we are. We are complete with God if we don’t have anyone. God is the external, and to the internal self, God will become the external.

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